Lives Together, Beds Apart;
When Two Beds Are Better Than One

February 12, 2005

Love means never having to say you're sorry - that you're sleeping apart.

While many older couples remain young valentines at heart, experts say, the increase of snoring, sleep disorders and stirring in bed often spurs partners to consider separate bedrooms.

"I don't think that most couples sleep apart; I think that most of them sleep together and complain," said Gila Hertz, a sleep researcher and director of Long Island Sleep Associates in Huntington Station. "What often happens is they start sleeping together and either the wife or husband moves to another bed in the middle of the night."

Hertz recommends separate beds or bedrooms for some patients, but stresses taking gradual steps to determine a solution. If the sleep disorder is just movement, as in restless leg syndrome, separate beds in the same room will work, she said. But if the disorder is a noise issue such as snoring, separate rooms may be needed.

"You should not feel guilty," Hertz said. "A lot of people say, 'I would sleep downstairs, but I feel so guilty that I wouldn't do it.'"

In addition to sleep disorders, different schedules may cause disruption when early risers cohabitate with night owls: One gets all their chores done before dawn and the other enjoys late-night TV. Furthermore, sleep becomes much lighter as we get older, experts say.

Love and affection

But while these factors may cause couples to sleep apart, they don't have to drift apart.

Alvin Paullay, 73, of Tappan, Rockland County, and his wife, Roberta, 72, sleep in separate beds. Alvin Paullay has obstructive sleep apnea, a condition that causes the sleeper to stop breathing, gasp and partially awaken multiple times throughout the night. He sleeps with a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine to normalize his breathing.

His wife, meanwhile, has restless leg syndrome. But the decision to go to twin beds wasn't predicated on any sleep disorder; it was their schedules that determined the arrangement.

"When we got married, we bought twin beds with a single headboard. I was studying for my PhD, up late and getting into bed late, and didn't want to disturb her," Paullay said. "And through the years, we found my sleep became very tenuous and we could not make them up as one bed, so we made them up as two beds with one cover. Just recently we started separating the twin beds about an inch or two. We can still reach across and touch each other."

His advice for keeping connected? "You still have to be affectionate, you still have to be loving and do what you did when you were younger," Paullay said. "If it weren't for the sleep disorders, we'd still snuggle and cuddle; we just don't sleep that way."

"You'd be amazed at how many couples are sleeping in separate bedrooms," said Dr. Michael J. Thorpy, director of the Sleep-Wake Disorders Center at Montefiore Medical Center. "It's much more common than people realize. And the most common reason is due to snoring."

It's a nationwide trend and appears to affect women and men alike.

Snore no more

For years, Liz Johns, 52, of Anadarko, Okla., was snoring her husband, Wilbur, out of bed. She was in denial until one night she thought she heard a pig snort in the room. "Then I had to realize it was me," Liz Johns said. Countless doctors had attributed her nighttime snoring and daytime fatigue to everything from allergies to hormones. "I finally learned the symptoms of sleep apnea on the Internet and the first time I read the list of symptoms, I knew immediately that this was me," said Johns. She was tested and diagnosed with a severe case, receiving treatment, like Paullay, with a CPAP.

So, what about romance?

"Make time for it," Wilbur Johns said. "You've got to communicate with one another. You may not be able to have the spontaneity you once had, but just learn to work through it to make everybody happy."

As for sleeping apart or sleeping with CPAP machines, Liz Johns said, "A well-rested person is a lot more romantic than a groggy person."

Some patients' initial sleep experience with the CPAP machine is so quiet in contrast to their years of snoring, snorting and waking that their spouses often check to see whether they're breathing.

Still, not everyone can tolerate the CPAP machine. When Charlie Hawkins, 64, of Bay Shore could not adapt to the bulky equipment, he was referred to Don Pantino, of Islip, a dentist who specializes in treating patients with sleep-disordered breathing using oral appliance therapy. As opposed to the CPAP machine, with its mask and hose, the dental appliance "looks like false teeth backwards," said Elizabeth Hawkins, 64, who was taking a prescription pill to sleep through Charlie's snoring, though for years she slept in a different room.

But sleeping apart didn't drive them apart. "We've been together for 50 years, since ninth grade," Hawkins said.

She acknowledged missing the communication and closeness: the time "before you close your eyes and go to sleep, sharing your thoughts," she said. "But you just tolerate it. Hey, at least he was cooperative and went for treatment."

Richard Samperisi, 50, of East Islip, was a snorer and advises others to schedule a sleep study for their health and consideration for their partners.

"My wife is a light sleeper. How can a light sleeper possibly fall asleep when someone's making that racket?" said Samperisi, who was diagnosed with sleep apnea and tried the CPAP machine.

"He looked like Hannibal Lector," said his wife, Charlene, referring the villainous character in "Silence of the Lambs." Instead, Richard was fitted for a dental device and his sleep, breathing and energy were restored.

"What affected the relationship was that he didn't have the energy to do anything," said Charlene, 50, who worried about her husband's condition. "Find out the problem, instead of waiting," she advises. "Be patient. If they have this problem, it's not their fault."