Mixed Marriages:  Spender/Saver Relationships  
Summer 2000

Have you discovered your darling’s Discover card balance?  Is your lovebird neurotic about the nest egg?  According to Steve Pybrum, author of Marriage and Money - Making It Work Together (Abundance Publishing), “spender/saver relationships account for 80% of all households.”  To make matters worse, “Remarrieds often bring widely disparate assets to the new union,” explains Patricia Schiff Estess in her book Money Advice for Your Successful Remarriage (Betterway Books).  This yin and yang of financial philosophies has the potential to be a healthy situation—or a recipe for disaster.

What to do?  Dr. Patricia Pitta, specializing in marital therapy, suggests, “Before you remarry, define your money styles and tolerances.”

That sounds so healthy.  But factor in human nature and it’s not so easy. 

“We never discussed money before marriage.  Money’s not romantic,” Joan explained.  “I managed the money in my first marriage.  Once I married Mike, the “saver” took the books.  But he began to resent the money I spent on my kids.”

“It would be logical for couples to sit down and have a money talk before the wedding,” says Pybrum, “but people go into marriage with their hearts.  About two months after the wedding, the subject comes up when the bills start coming in.”

Dr. Pitta recommends: “Develop your individual philosophies and then find a joint philosophy based on a realistic pocketbook, not fantasy.   Determine how much money you have, and then decide if you can remodel the kitchen.”

Debbie (the spender) and Tony (the saver) are in the midst of selling his house and renovating hers.  When I asked how they resolve a dispute, Debbie matter-of-factly replied, “We fight.” 

“Most remarrieds who are reluctant to talk about money say that financial problems contributed to a prior divorce,” reports Estess.  “Sharing financial information is fundamental to a good marriage—even if it causes friction.  Deep secrets between spouses can destroy marriages.”

Floyd experienced that in his first marriage.  “She spent her free time spending my money.  I didn't trust my wife and used money to keep control—a sure way to have an unsuccessful marriage.  With Jessie, everything was different.  She left her job to be with me.  I had a separated shoulder, knee surgery and two cancer surgeries within the first 18 months of our marriage.  Trust was never an issue.  I transferred title of the house I owned into both our names and put all my finances into joint accounts.  If you have trust, neither person needs to have control over money or other issues.”

Prevalent in the spender/saver scenario is the desire of one to convert the other.  Are two savers a perfect match?  Surprisingly, no.  “They don’t have financial problems, they have relationship problems:  boredom, little fun, no luxuries in life,” Pybrum explains.  “Two spenders are on the fast track for divorce.”

For most of us, luckily, opposites attract.  Why?  “We’re trying to recapture our childhood household,” explains psychologist Carol Hassett.  “The characteristic of the parent that we don’t possess, we look for in our partner.”

So you’re marrying your extravagant Dad.  Spending is a common problem, but symptomatic of underlying problems (perhaps an inability to share, compromise or show good judgment).  Dr. Pitta recommends that couples determine a certain amount of money for each person.  Don’t make money available to the spender beyond that allotment, don’t have joint credit cards and make sure they can’t access your money.  This will make them responsible for their behavior.  “Usually one is an enabler.  A husband may complain to me, ‘She’s charging up a storm!’  So I tell him to stop paying her bills.”

Similarly, spouses of overzealous savers should devise a system where you each have your own money to spend.  What if your saver doesn’t want to spend on joint things, such as vacations?  “Go yourself!  Pick up the kids and go!” urges Dr. Pitta.  “If he doesn’t follow, he doesn’t want a life with you.” 

Recalling her first marriage, Marna explained, “Matty was cheap.  He didn't want to take vacations or eat out.  My advice to anyone in a spender/saver relationship:   Run Forest, run!” 

Compromise can assuage these harsh words.  Suggest a vacation—without dining out every night.  It’s important for the saver to understand that in order to live, you have to spend money. How much money is where compromise and compassion come into play.

The bottom line?  Spenders and savers complete each other.  It’s the ebb and flow of their relationship; savers rescue spenders from debt, while spenders entice savers to invest in life’s riches. 

“Jack saves money because he worries about our retirement.  Thank God someone does!” Ellen concedes. 

“Once I paid off my car, Mike told me to keep paying the car payment—to my savings account.  ’You’ll have the money for a new car when you need it.’  And I did!”  Joan said, grateful for Mike’s budgeting.

William Devine, author of Women, Men and Money (Crown Publishers), has a holistic approach to finance.  “Money is just a tool to use in creating an interesting and fulfilling life together.”  Establish a list of goals that sets you two up as team players with the ambition of growing the net worth of your household.  Decide how you will handle the money.  In addition to your salaries, there’s probably incoming and outgoing child support checks.  Will everything go into a community pot?  Will you operate independent of each other?

“In the new union of a remarriage, there are children’s travel expenses visiting non-custodial parents, entertainment when they visit you, expenses agreed to under separation agreements, additional gifts resulting from swollen family trees or guilt over divorce,” notes Estess.

If you need to tighten your belt, but don’t want to alarm your spender spouse, an optimistic attitude coupled with quiet pullback in spending may help.  Ditch the doom and gloom, they don’t want to hear it and it doesn’t work.

“Each partner must review their own expenditures, making reductions that reflect individual priorities.  Decisions on joint expenses are up for discussion and negotiation,” Estess explains.  “No one person should be the martyr, sacrificing his or her comforts.  Martyrs aren’t loved.  Who wants to crawl into bed with a haloed spouse?”  Estess suggests, “Manage money the way you manage sex—as a team.”